At the foot of the Hayleigh’s bed in Maine, life changed.
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| The foot of the bed in Maine the morning of Oct 5 before Hayleigh was intubated. This position was the most comfortable for her at the time but her condition steadily worsened into the early afternoon. |
At the foot of the bed, I had my heart broken. Rachel and I had just prayed over Hayleigh as she coughed uncontrollably. Heaving coughs. Gasping for air coughs. But what broke my heart was the look in Hayleigh’s eyes. Fear. Concern. Pain.
She knew something was very wrong. What do you say to your child to calm that fear? ‘They are going to intubate you so that the machines can help you breathe….everything is going to be ok’….but you don’t know that….and she knows you know you don’t know that because as you say these things there are tears in your eyes and a shakiness to your voice.
So you end with ‘I love you’ because that is true and that is pure and that is what the moment demands…..and you actually gain strength in that moment of truth and the determination in your eyes meets hers…and for a moment there really is an ‘it's going to be ok’ kind of connection.
At the foot of the bed, perspective thundered into my life. After speaking with Hayleigh, Rachel and I stood at the foot of the bed holding up the ‘I love you’ sign in sign language. And she looked up one last time, saw our sign, quickly raised her hand with the same sign back to us, and then the drugs took her from consciousness.
What do you think about when you know you may have just spoken your last words to your daughter? What do you think about when there is a very real chance you just saw the last waking moment of your precious child’s life here on earth?
You don’t think about your job or how much money you make. You don’t think about what kind of car you drive or what kind of house you live in. You don’t think about sports teams, fantasty football, how many ‘likes’ you have on Facebook or any other totally frivolous thing we somehow attach importance to in our lives. If you have an addiction whether it is drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, or anything else….I don't believe you would be thinking about the object of that addiction at that moment.
From my experience, what you think about is life… the fragility of it, the preciousness of it. And then you think about God. And you pray. You pray like you have never prayed before. I would imagine that only the hardest of atheists wouldn’t pray in a moment like this because THIS is what we were made to do. We were made to Glorify God…to pray…to love… Is it any surprise when all the deception and distractions of this world are fully stripped away you would do exactly what you were made to do? At the foot of the bed, that perspective most certainly thundered boldly into my life.
At the foot of the bed, I felt the chill of death. In my first post about Hayleigh I wrote about this in the section called ‘The Valley.’ I had just emailed our friends and family with an urgent request for prayers….I wrote ‘She is in the valley of the shadow of death’….and then I stood there, at the foot of the bed. Her bare feet were before me, still dirty from the miles long barefoot walk her class had taken two days before. As I started to pray over her, I took her feet in my hands and started rubbing them. They were so cold. Shockingly cold. I could feel myself rubbing harder, willing the warmth to return as her oxygen saturations hovered in the 20% range.
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| This picture was taken during the hour of greatest concern. I am at the foot of the bed barely visible (behind the guy with his hands in his pockets). You can see my green collar and arm extended down to where her feet are. Dr Wood is in the orange shirt and cousin Suzy is next to me with the mask on. Now that I know what happened, I feel like the white light in the background is the Spirit entering the room.... |
At the foot of the bed, I felt a deep, longing sadness. I was already beginning to mourn. I thought about the digital picture frames in our kitchen that are currently loaded with all these wonderful pictures from our 8 month mission trip. I thought about those pictures knowing that every time her picture flashed on the screen there would be this pain, this loss, this hurt, this longing for her presence.
But something started happening as that thought lingered. I started thinking things like ‘thank goodness we spent that time together as a family….thank goodness we got to experience all those things with Hayleigh.’ And the darkest part of the journey started to lift.
At the foot of the bed, I was reminded that joy can exist even in the darkness. As I continued rubbing her feet an image came to my mind of a woman named Kelly Downing standing on the stage at our church giving her testimony. I don’t know Kelly. I have never spoken to Kelly. But she is who came to mind in that moment because despite being paralyzed due to effects of long term Lyme’s disease, this woman had joy in her life and continued to smile. I got her email address from our pastor the next week and sent her this note:
“Hi Kelly,
My favorite movie is "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart. I'm sure you are familiar with it, but basically God lets the main character see what life would have been like if he had never existed.
Whenever I get a chance to show someone how their life truly impacted mine and my family's life I make it a point to tell them. So, here is a story for you that I hope encourages you....
My daughter, Hayleigh Scott, nearly died on October 5. I don't know if you have seen our blog, but here is the message I wrote about that day:
What isn't written in that note is the part you played in that day. There was a very dark moment where the life of our daughter was ending here on earth. There was nothing I could do about it, and I felt totally helpless.
And in that moment of utter despair and helplessness, God reminded me that there can be joy in the darkness....and he did that by bringing forth the image of you standing on the stage at Crossway giving your testimony....talking about being willing to go through anything as long as God allowed you to keep your smile.
In that dark moment, that's what I thought about....and the peace started to come to me....and my strength through Jesus Christ rose....and then the protection I wrote about in the message happened....and then God cleared her lungs and let us keep her here on earth.
Your life matters. Your suffering and how you have dealt with it matters. People you don't even know have been touched by your life. In the end, we can't take anything with us. All that really matters eternally is what we do to further God's kingdom and bring others into His eternal Light.
I'll never know all the lives that are being touched by Hayleigh's life. I'll never know how God uses our family's response to this situation to further His Kingdom. But I know your life helped make our response possible....and in the end I do believe God will use all of our suffering for His Glory.
I hope this message brightens your day. Thank you for being obedient to Jesus Christ even during your darkest days. “
And she wrote back saying she was crying…. that she never checks email late at night but felt like she was supposed to check her email after a really bad, pain filled day….and that despite the pain she was now filled with joy and hope.
At the foot of the bed, God weaves people together. I didn’t think about that fact at the time, but there is no question that God works powerfully in moments like this to connect people in community. The example with Kelly is but one of many beautiful connections. They started that afternoon as I started getting text messages from people I haven’t heard from in literally 4 years or more. Rachel sent out a Facebook message when things were looking very bad. It has been very humbling for us to go back to so many friends’ Facebook pages and see what they wrote on that day, how they urgently pushed the message out to pray for Hayleigh.
The love and support we have received has been phenomenal….from friends (new and old), family, our church leaders being at the hospital in Boston even before we got there, my best friends driving 5 hours north thinking that their buddy would need his friends on the day his daughter died….only to get the message when they were already north of Portland, Maine that we were on a helicopter heading to Boston….and then turning around and driving all the way to Boston….the 5 best men I will ever know. There were so many people who showed up at the hospital, so many encouraging notes, thoughtful gifts, donations to the Kenyan shoe project, assistance in finding us a place to deliver Isaiah…I could easily write an entire note just on this topic.
At the foot of the bed, God brought me peace. The day after all this happened I wrote here on the blog “I prayed over her Isaiah 53 "...and by his stripes we are healed" I prayed over her Psalm 91 "...because you have made the LORD who is my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place, No evil shall befall you, Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling; For He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up..." I prayed over her Psalm 23 "...Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
It felt then that the community's prayers had a physical form arching around and over us like a cocoon / wigwam of protection.....as if God was saying "You are doing My Will and are under My Protection"
That is what happened as I was praying over Hayleigh while holding her feet. I saw that same cocoon / wigwam arch over Hayleigh covering her in His protection. And from that moment on I felt a peace inside me that Hayleigh was going to be ok and that I was going to be ok as well. I didn't know if that meant she would be alive on earth or alive in heaven but the peace was one that was beyond understanding.”
At the darkest moment of the journey...when her oxygen stats were 20%, when we didn't even know if a helicopter could make it to Maine to bring her to Boston Children's Hospital, when the doctors had indicated if things didn't improve she would die....at that moment of total chaos and stress...before I knew we would get this 'happy ending'.....I was at total and complete peace.
The greatest gift in my life was this moment. Leading up to this moment I felt what one would expect in a situation like this: stressed, fearful, tense, worried, sad etc. To be overwhelmed by peace in this moment is really indescribable. After years of groping around in the dark wracked by doubts about who Jesus was, I know now He is exactly who the Bible says He is. Nothing will ever change my mind on that fact for the rest of my life. Jesus Christ brought that peace to me before I knew what was going to happen with Hayleigh; it was a life changing moment for me and our family.
My 5 friends who showed up that night in Boston have each spoken separately to me about what that time in the waiting room meant to them. Less than 4 hours after the events described above happened, I told them the story, They have each spoken about the peace that was in the room that night….how they didn’t understand how it could be there given all the turmoil of the day but how comforting it was. I learned that night the peace that surpasses understanding can radiate out to others.
At the foot of the bed, more than any other moment in my life I felt God. I felt His power. I felt His presence. I felt His love. As I ended the prayers above I said "I pray all these prayers in the name of Jesus. Amen." I opened my eyes and within seconds a huge amount of liquid shot out of Hayleigh's lungs via the intubation tube. Her oxygen concentration stats went from 20% to 100% in less than 30 seconds; it was the only 100% number I saw the entire day. Coincidence? I don't think so.
At the foot of the bed I was transported to the foot of the Cross.
Where despair turns to hope
Where darkness turns to light
Where weakness turns to strength
Where love reigns
Everything I am I lay there for His Glory and for His Purpose.
I pray Hayleigh's story strengthens your walk with Jesus.
God bless,
Andrew
