Adoption: A Mother's Thoughts, A Father's Thoughts

A Mother’s Thoughts…

I am supposed to be asleep, but I am lying awake thinking about tomorrow... I've been counting the hours until we meet her, our new daughter who isn't so new.  A girl who has been waiting almost 14 years for her forever family.  I have caught myself thinking about a speech I heard once from a Christian who rescues women and girls from the evil practice of sex trafficking.  As she spoke of God’s love, one of the girls said "if your God loves me so much why didn't he come sooner to get me?"  And the Christian’s response was "because for too long I didn't listen."   

Since I was a small girl I have wanted to adopt children from Asia.  And I wonder if some day I won't be asked that same question..."why did you take so long to come get me?"  The ‘why’ questions are sometimes the hardest questions.  But I know as well that many of my ‘why’ questions from long ago that seemed so unfair, difficult, and confusing at the time….I can see now how God used those times to mold me and change me.  I am praying for guidance and the ability to help our new daughter.  God’s timing is perfect and I don't know why it is now but we are here, for such a time as this....

I hope we do not disappoint.  I hope we are what she has pictured in her dreams.  I hope she can see us and love us despite the broken people we are...broken people that opened our arms and said, "Here I am."  So here we are Lord; take and use us...Please help us and especially help our new children to be courageous and strong.

A Father’s Thoughts…

When Rachel and I started talking about a future together, we discussed the topic of how many children we wanted.  I said 4.  She said 2.  And somehow that has now ended up as 7.  Yes, God has a sense of humor! 

More precisely, God has used children in our lives to change us.  Initially that change came through a long, frustrating, painful desire.  We tried unsuccessfully to have children for 3 years.  I remember the ache, the hurt when people would ask “When are you two going to start having kids?” or the most unhelpful “Just relax and it will happen.”  Before this time in our life, I never would have considered adopting.  Never.  It wasn’t on my radar.  As a 20 something year old man having a biological child was absolutely critical to me, but 3 years of failure in getting pregnant broke me of that thought. 

In the summer of 1998, Rachel and I decided we would adopt if she was not pregnant by the end of the year.  We researched how much it would cost, identified adoption agencies and started saving money.  By the end of July Rachel was pregnant with Vienna and Hayleigh….but the desire to adopt never went away.

We learned in the years to come that having children can be hard.  When your child’s life is in danger you realize just how little control you have…and it breaks you, humbles you, molds you. 

While we were thrilled to welcome Sarah into the world in 2002, we also experienced 3 miscarriages from 2000 to 2004.  Those little lives are known to God and to us.  We grieved their loss…and something in each of us changed. 

After the 2004 miscarriage, the doctors told us we could no longer have children naturally.  We learned in 2013 that doctors don’t always know what they are talking about.   God does indeed have a sense of humor because little Isaiah was conceived quite naturally during the first month of our 8 month mission trip around the world! 

But back to 2004….when we thought we could no longer have children, the seed of adopting that had been planted in 1998 sprung forth.  We became foster parents for a season hoping to adopt in that way but for a variety of reasons that pathway to adoption didn’t work out.  We attempted to do a private adoption of an older child in Ukraine but for a variety of reasons that didn’t work out either. 

These things can be frustrating and confusing as one is going through them.  But as we were telling someone about our failed adoption in Ukraine, the door opened through that person to our son AJ.  We knew we were going to adopt him before he was born, and I wanted our first son to know for certain that I have always thought of him in one way and one way only.  He is my son.  Not my adopted son, my son.  I gave him my name so that he would know that all the days of his life – Andrew John. 

This ‘he is my son’ thought remained with me all through the adoption process, and then the most wonderful thing happened.  When we got the call that AJ was on his way into the world, the feelings I had that night waiting for his arrival were EXACTLY THE SAME as the feelings I had when our daughters were born.  Exactly the same.  God knit that little boy into my heart, and he is indeed my son. 

I have wondered over the past year what it would be like to adopt someone who had already been born.  Would I feel the same?  And now I know….

God has knit these girls into my heart.  They are my daughters.  The anticipation, the excitement, the nervousness, the ‘about to be a father’ feelings that only truly happen when you are about to be a father again…they are all present right here and right now. 

As I send this note, Rachel and Sarah have just left the hotel to pick up our soon to be 14 year old daughter….

Father, on this Easter Sunday I thank you for your Son Jesus.  Thank you for adopting us into your eternal family through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.  Thank you for the opportunity to be a father once more and for knitting these two girls into this father’s heart as they are already knitted into Yours.  In Jesus’ Name I pray, Amen.